


Just Like Real Thieves

by SEALsenpai



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - GTA V, F/M, FAHC, Fake AH Crew, Female Jack, Gen, It's only shippy if you feel it in your heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-02 22:28:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21168902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SEALsenpai/pseuds/SEALsenpai
Summary: Upon further reflection, the time for which was graciously provided by Ryan’s inability tojust pick a fucking house oh my god, Jack realized that assigning the Vagabond to this particular job had been a ChoiceTM. It wasn’t because the Vagabond couldn’t rob a three-storey split level in rich white suburbia though. Actually, it had nothing to do with the Vagabond at all. It was Ryan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thief Simulator was one hell of a thing and I miss it.

“This was the wrong way,” was all Jack got for a warning before her seatbelt locked and her head swung hard to right. She flailed blindly for the oh shit handle and hung on for dear life as the large black vehicle she was in lurched sharply around a sudden turn.

“Ryan, what the fuck?” a horrified and definitely not seat belted Jeremy screamed from the back seat.

“It’s called a u-turn, it’s totally legal.” The response was muffled by the once-creepy-now-stupid black latex skull covering Ryan’s face, but it still managed to sound argumentative enough to piss Jack off more.

Once her stomach had returned to her body, she lashed out and punched Ryan in the shoulder _hard._ “Son of a bitch, this is the opposite of inconspicuous!”

Ryan risked a quick glance at his passenger before turning back to the road. He shrugged and scooted forward in his seat, though he was already so far hunched over the steering wheel he may as well have been on top of the dashboard. “First of all, ouch. Second, we are literally in an unmarked black van driving in circles around a suburban neighborhood. We’re gonna be conspicuous!”

Jeremy’s responding guffaw sounded disembodied in the darkness of the back of the van for a moment before he clambered up on top of the center console. He clung to Jack’s shoulder as Ryan steered them around another sharp turn. “Yeah, we’re only driving in circles because of you though!” he protested.

“I wanna find a good house!” Ryan shot back.

“For the love of god, just pick one, it doesn’t have to be this complicated!” Jack struggled to keep her voice below a scream. She shook Jeremy’s vice grip off her shoulder and swatted him away when he tried to reattach. “Put your goddamn seatbelt on!”

A half-groan half-shout was Jeremy’s only reply, but he did shuffle back to the bench seat in the back of the van and hang on to the edge of it. Jack could feel a migraine coming on.

Theft was not an uncommon mark on any of the Fakes’ records. In fact it was definitely where the majority of them had gotten their starts in the underground world. After leaving the military it was the first thing Jack had been arrested for, and the second thing for Geoff – the first being public indecency (thank God for sobriety). That being said, she would have thought that such an early-game crime would be something the goddamn Vagabond was capable of. In fact, she was absolutely positive it was something she had witnessed him do firsthand. The big bank heists Geoff was so fond of didn’t really count, but she knew she had watched her masked companion pickpocket people when they had something he really needed (wanted).

Upon further reflection however, the time for which was graciously provided by Ryan’s inability to _just pick a fucking house oh my god_, Jack realized that assigning the Vagabond to this particular job had still been a ChoiceTM. It wasn’t because the Vagabond couldn’t rob a three-storey split level in rich white suburbia though. Actually, it had nothing to do with the Vagabond at all. It was _Ryan_.

One of the first things new recruits to the main core of the FAKEs learned was the difference between Vagabond and Ryan. They may share a body, but their minds were two separate entities. The Vagabond was razor sharp, quick and concise, no talking, no fucking around, no footprints or handprints left behind. Ryan was… not that. Ryan was the guy who was trying to lose a few pounds but still ate six doughnuts and then blamed it on Matt. Ryan couldn’t pronounce 30% of the English language but tried to anyways. Ryan was the guy who was still driving around the sleeping neighborhood looking for a house with a trellis so they could climb it like real thieves.

“Pull over right the fuck now, Haywood,” Jack finally snapped, “This is why I drive and not you!” His face was covered, but Ryan’s kicked puppy expression still carried weight even when it wasn’t visible. Nonetheless, he groaned and eased the van to the steadiest stop of the night at the next stop sign.

Two seatbelts clicked undone in unison as Jack and Ryan both climbed out of the front seats and moved to trade places. Once outside the heated van, the cool night air hit Jack’s skin and made her shiver. She’d worn all black clothes for the sake of stealth, but her shirt was still thin and tragically short sleeved. It was all she’d had. Damn her obnoxiously brightly coloured wardrobe.

As Ryan approached her in the beam of the stopped van’s headlights, Jack’s arm shot out and grabbed the front of his leather jacket (full Vagabond gear for a breaking and entering. Stupid.). “Listen,” she stage-whispered at him above the low hum of the running engine, “I’m gonna pick a house. You’re gonna pick the lock or break a window or whatever and you’re going to get inside. Just grab the first shiny things you see, make a mess, and leave. Ok? That’s all the client wants.” She shook him in her grasp a bit for emphasis. “Geoff said they don’t give a shit which house it is or what we take, it just has to be this neighborhood.” The neighborhood in question being one in which a particular politician happened to live. A politician who had apparently pissed off the wrong people.

An indignant huff rocked the Vagabond’s body back and out of Jack’s personal space. He guided her hand away and then rested his own on her shoulder. “I know, I know. We’re just sending a message, I get it.” He shrugged and the twinkle of his eyes and the tone of his voice suggested he was grinning. “I’m just trying to make it fun here! Not every day I get to rob a rich people house.”

Jack wrinkled her nose and shrugged Ryan’s gloved hand off. “That’s a lie, you take shit from Gavin’s place every time we’re there.”

A muffled laugh. “Gavin doesn’t count.”

“Whatever,” Jack shoved past Ryan, making sure her shoulder hit him with enough force that it was clear it had been on purpose, and reached to open the driver’s side door. Before she could make it all the way around to the other side of the van though, a heavy weight was suddenly draped across her back. She stiffened and instinctively pulled the open zipper of the leather jacket closed.

“Quit shivering,” Ryan remarked as he patted her shoulders, “It’s not even that cold out.”

Without turning around, Jack grunted in a way she hoped sounded appreciative and tucked her arms into the sleeves of the jacket. It was incredibly warm.

“You guys done jerking each other off?” Jeremy asked once his chaperones were both belted up in the front seats again. He had climbed back on top of the center console like a gremlin and had his hands in front of the heating vents. Cursing him out all the while, Ryan pushed him back into the abyss of the backseat and contorted across himself to wrestle with him until Jeremy was firmly seated again. Jack didn’t realize she had been laughing at them until a right shoulder check put her gaze on Ryan and his twinkling blue eyes. She swallowed hard and looked back at the road.

Five minutes later found the criminal trio parked totally casually across the street from a house that _just so happened_ to have a trellis up the side of it so the boys could climb it like real thieves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the read!! It's been a hot minute since the last time I actually wrote anything and I'm defintely a little rusty so CC is very welcome.  
Also, feel free to bug me on [Tumblr!](https://iamsehnsucht.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

Goddamn dogs. Goddamn motherfucking asshole poodle-pug-hybrid looking _dogs_.

Ryan was pretty capable with technology. He could bypass most home security systems, crack almost every password, and was exceptionally good at bullshitting his way into almost anything anyone else didn’t want him in. All it generally took was his laptop, a tablet, and maybe some cables and a USB drive to take down anything in his way. Dogs, as it were, were apparently not hack-compatible though, and also _super fucking loud_. Loud enough to wake a family of four as a matter of fact. So, when Jack had stumbled across a sleeping canine in a hallway, they were shit out of luck. All it took was a few cursory barks to bring a curious tenant out of their room and right into view of three shady figures in their house shoving expensive things into a backpack. Cops were called and it mostly just went downhill from there.

“I told you we should have been more picky!” Jeremy yelled over his shoulder. His heavy breathing made his voice sound laboured and choppy as he, Jack, and Ryan booked it down the darkened sidewalks of Greenview Street.

“Shut up, shut up right now!” was the barely-not-a-scream reply from Ryan. He turned accusatory eyes on Jack and jabbed a gloved finger in her direction. “Why the fuck were you even in the house?”

Jack was supposed to be waiting in the van outside the house with the engine running, waiting for Ryan and Jeremy to do their burgling and then drive them away, preferably undetected. Obviously, that wasn’t how it had gone down. “You guys were taking forever! I was checking on you!” she protested, struggling to keep her breathing even as she ran along just behind the two men.

Ryan and Jeremy were far in the lead by now, having been the first ones out of the house. Meanwhile, Jack scrambled to avoid a bent no-parking sign in front of her and dodged an electrical box in her path as she strove to keep up. She was panting hard from running and her legs were already screaming at her in protest. They had only broken back out of their targeted house around three minutes ago, but she could swear she could already hear the blare of police sirens coming down the street. Fuckers must have had a squad car nearby by coincidence.

The three of them rounded one last corner before vaulting over a fence and ducking into the cover of a densely forested area behind the neighbourhood. Ryan was immediately on his burner cell presumably trying to get ahold of Geoff for an emergency extraction.

Jeremy hefted the backpack full of valuables off his shoulders and reached to pass it off to Jack. “Here, hold this for a sec. Something in here keeps stabbing me in the spine.”

Still panting for air, Jack gave a weak nod and held the backpack in front of her for Jeremy to root around in.

“Geoff!” Ryan exclaimed into his phone, “Geoff, we’ve been compromised, we need an extraction.”

Jack watched Ryan’s shoulders tighten at Geoff’s unheard response. She could tell he was frowning from the way his eyes narrowed.

“No, she’s fine, but we got separated from the vehicle,” the masked merc said. There was another long pause during which Ryan became increasingly more agitated before he continued, “There was a dog ok, it’s not a big deal. We just need a pickup.” Another pause. “Shut up, it could have happened to anyone!”

Jeremy snickered to himself and finally finished rearranging the contents in the abyss of the suddenly very heavy backpack. He zipped it back up and took it from Jack, throwing it over his shoulders again. “He being a dick?” he asked.

Ryan’s eyes indicated a scowl in response. It was hard to take him seriously as he aggressively poked his phone screen to hang up on their boss. “He said Michael's gonna meet us at the gas station down the road in twenty.”

Jack nodded and peeked out from behind the tree she was leaning against. “You think they saw us jump the fence?” she asked, scanning the empty street beyond the aforementioned barrier.

“Doubt it,” Jeremy replied. He stepped up behind her and put a hand on her arm, leaning in a little closer to see the street as well. “I didn’t even hear them drive past here. They must have taken a different turn.”

“They went north,” Ryan added, nodding in the indicated direction, “Saw them hang a left two blocks behind us. There was someone walking a dog with a flashlight over there. Cops probably saw their light and followed it instead of us.”

Jack nodded her affirmation again and took a cautious step out from behind her tree.

“Let’s get moving then,” Jeremy suggested, “That gas station is already a pretty long way away and I’d prefer we stick to the tree line just to be safe.” He looked over his shoulder at Ryan and then back at Jack. “Sound good?”

“Fine by me,” Jack replied and Ryan nodded behind them.

“Great, let’s move out!” Jeremy stepped up beside Jack and then continued on towards the street.

“Hands where I can see them!” came the shout of a police officer from across the fence, gun in hand and in startling close proximity to Jeremy’s face.

“Shit,” Jack squeaked. Spinning on her heels, she collided with Ryan. She shoved him in the opposite direction and flailed behind her to grab Jeremy by the backpack and then took off running further into the trees.

Jeremy’s shocked yowl was cut off by the shouts of about a dozen flustered police officers behind them as he righted himself and started running alongside Jack.

“Went north, hey Rye?” Jack screamed at Ryan’s back running in front of her.

“They did! They must have circled around!” Ryan shouted back. He hopped over a few tree roots and stumbled awkwardly around a collection of large rocks in the ground, never losing speed. “You don’t get to talk, you were supposed to wait in the van for us!”

Jack dodged another tree branch and stumbled through a thin, dead bush. “I was waiting, you guys were taking forever!”

“You could have at least kept the van running, then maybe you wouldn’t have dropped the fucking keys and woken up the fucking dog,” Ryan shot back.

“That’s how you get van-jacked, Ryan,” Jack screamed. Ryan’s final reply was little more than an aggravated, wordless yell into the night. Jack redoubled her efforts to overtake him, but it was hard enough navigating the trees without it also being a race.

The forest ground was unpredictable and full of tripping hazards, but the flashlights and yelling behind them prompted Jack to maintain a steady pace of _holy fuck I haven’t worked out this much in like three years _miles per hour. She could feel her heart throbbing painfully in her chest and her lungs starting to burn, but the adrenaline kept her going.

Jeremy, desperately clutching the straps of the jostling backpack, eventually passed Jack and came to run alongside Ryan up front. “Dude, how are you not suffocating right now?” he asked between sharp, gasping breaths for air.

“I am!” came Ryan’s muffled reply from behind the mask. He sounded absolutely winded. Jack couldn’t blame him. She was struggling as it was, she couldn’t imagine running this hard for this long with a thick layer of latex blocking her airways.

The staticky sound of a stun gun being discharged uncomfortably close behind her prompted a yelp and a little extra effort out of Jack.

“Hey, fuck you!” Jeremy shouted over his shoulder. His handgun was out now, produced apparently magically out of nowhere. He fired off a few pot shots and then doubled his running efforts.

“Why would you do that?” Ryan yelled in horror. Jack couldn’t help but silently share the baffled sentiment when the cops took the opportunity to start returning fire. A few scattered bullets hit the ground around her feet, and she found herself lifting her feet a little higher with each step.

_Serpentine, serpentine, bitch!_ She mentally chanted at herself, dodging and weaving as best she could amongst the trees.

“There’s the road!” she exclaimed as the other side of the wooded area finally came into sight. The two men in front of her had both started firing incrementally over their shoulders at their increasingly vocal pursuers, but upon seeing their escape they both tucked their guns away and focused on not eating shit this close to the finish line.

Briefly marveling at their serendipitous coordination and grace, Jack vaulted over the fence in sync with Ryan and Jeremy. She didn’t miss the look of _holy shit we just did that_ Jeremy shot at her as they continued their mad dash, now on the semi-even ground of the sidewalk.

Their sprint lasted another heart-stropping two minutes until the uniformly designed suburbs inevitably morphed into the chaos of a scattered city. With dark and twisting alleyways at last at their disposal, the three criminals easily disappeared into the night. Out in the predictable openness of a neighbourhood, they stuck out like sore thumbs; three skittish figures clad in jarring black against the bright greenery and brickwork of pretentious normalcy. Amongst the barred windows, chained backdoors, and deliberately darkened corners, they were merely shadows darting from alleyway to alleyway. Dumpsters and trashcans overflowing with a stranger’s waste were their camouflage, old and torn awnings sheltering them from above like a criminal mother hen’s wings. The cops didn’t stand a chance in the natural habitat of unsavoury figures like the FAKEs.

It wasn’t long before the gas station was in view, the flickering neon sign above it glowing like a particularly shitty beacon. Amidst its sheltering glow, Jack could see a familiar obnoxious chrome supercar awaiting their approach with its engine running. Sure enough, as they came into view of the driver, the headlights clicked on and the passenger side door flung open and Jack didn’t hesitate to hop in.

“Floor it!” Jeremy screamed at their driver the second he was firmly seated beside Ryan in the backseats.

Tires screamed across asphalt as Michael steered them out of the empty parking lot. For the second time that night, Jack smacked her head on the window as she clung to her dear old friend, the ever reliable oh-shit handle.

“Cops?” Michael demanded, tearing down the street regardless of whether or not they were actually still being pursued.

“We-“ Ryan tried to reply.

“Don’t listen to him,” Jeremy interrupted, “Last time he said we were clear I almost touched dicks with a cop.”

Adrenaline forced a burst of nervous laughter out of Jack, startling herself with the suddenness. There was a soft thump of a gloved hand coming into contact with the back of someone’s head followed by even softer “ow” from behind her.

“Nice, dude,” Michael said, cranking the steering wheel around another sharp turn, “Well, I don’t see any lights and there’s no bullet holes in my car yet so I think we’re good.”

“Is Geoff pissed?” Jack asked.

Michael’s face contorted into a huge grin. “Nah dude, he’s in hysterics!” His grin disappeared briefly as he glanced over at Jack, reddish brown curls bounching around his temples. “You’re never gonna live this down though, you gotta know that right?” He chuckled and looked back to the road. “The Vagabond, Rimmy Tim, and Ramsey’s second in command break into a house, wake up a dog, and get the cops called on them. It sounds like the start of a joke Lindsay can’t remember the punchline to!”

Jack groaned and rolled her eyes. She planted her elbow on the inside of the door and propped her chin up in her hand. The streetlights spaced along the otherwise pitch-black street turned Michael’s every movement into a stop motion movie, his grinning profile blinking in and out of sight as they tore through the deserted town.

“So,” Michael continued, “you thinking of changing specialties or something?”

Jack frowned and turned away from the view of the passing scenery through the foggy window. “What?”

Michael nodded his head vaguely in Jack’s direction. “You gonna start murdering people and playing with switch blades while you stand menacingly in the background?” When Jack’s perplexed expression failed to answer his question Michael sighed and stated, “You’re wearing V’s jacket.”

Jack looked down at herself, having completely forgotten about the moment outside their (former) getaway van when Ryan had wrapped his jacket around her shoulders. She chuckled softly to herself and looked up to make eye contact with Ryan through the rearview mirror. “Yeah, figured I’d give it a shot,” she grinned and draped her wrist dramatically across her forehead, “I can already feel the edge enveloping me.”

At last in the privacy of Michael’s car, Ryan tugged the mask off his head, and it still jarred Jack a little to see his face grinning back at her, even after all these years. “Was that what was weighing you down back there?” he asked.

“Weighing me down?” Jack replied with another question, quirking one brow up.

“You were having a hard time keeping up with us boys back there,” Ryan clarified, a healthy amount of snark pitching his voice down an octave.

Jack turned around in her seat to glare at Ryan, shooting a stern look at an obviously extatically amused Jeremy beside him. It was common knowledge amongst the crew that although she wasn’t in the midst of the field as often as the men, Jack maintained that she could absolutely do anything that they could do, including physical exertion. For the most part, this was true, as long as she was given ample time to prepare for the challenge. After all, there were some minor limitations to her… _anatomy_.

Clutching both hands to her breasts, Jack smirked. “Tits aren’t strapped down.” She gave them a squeeze. “It’s hard to run without a sports bra.” With that as her final statement, and she waited just a brief few seconds to watch Ryan’s smug face grow pink and mortified before she turned back around to scowl at the passenger side window.

Michael’s rapid-fire laughter was the background track to the rest of their drive home, and despite herself, Jack had a permanent grin plastered to her face the whole ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come bug me on [Tumblr!](https://iamsehnsucht.tumblr.com/)


End file.
